SO, I HAVE FINALLY SEEN

so, i have finally seen star wars episode 1: the phantom menace, and let me tell you, the one emotion i feel now is not elation, awe, or disappointment, but relief. no more insane anticipation, no more salivating over trailers, and no more painfully forcing myself to look away when i see a review. well, until episode 2.

anyway, here’s my schtick on tpm. it’s so-so. now, obviously, no movie ever made could possibly live up to the hype that has been generated around tpm, and i certainly didn’t walk into that movie theater seriously hoping it was going to be the greatest thing since spliced genes. i knew it wouldn’t have characters as immediately lovable and recognizable as han and leia and chewy and luke are to me now. my only prejudgment was to determined if it measured up structure-wise and story-wise to episode 4: a new hope, which i view as being the weakest of the original trilogy. i personally think that it didn’t quite make it, but i’ll get into that later.

so, here’s the good: first of all , the effects. the cg stuff is simply fantastic and damn near seamless. all the cg character are magnificent. them folk over @ skywalker ranch have basically succeeded in making the viewer forget that some of the characters are computer generated. the landscapes and space scenes were great, the underwater gungan city and underwater monsters were absolutely amazing (especially them monsters). and then pod race was simply . . . ooooooohhhhhh . . .

that said, the special effects simply were not as . . . thrilling as they were in a new hope. as i’ve written here before, a new hope represented a revolution in cg special effects, and tpm merely represents an advancement (or even a perfection, some might argue), making tpm inherently inferior in that respect. but in addition to that, tpm lacks a culminating effects extravaganza like the battle of gavin. there is a final battle, and part of it is even in space, but it’s no roller coaster ride, and the enemy is no death star.

but i’m not done with the good. lemme talk about the design. queen amidala’s costumes, make-up, and hair were stunning. detractors of the original leia danish-do should be satisfied. actually, all the original costumes were pretty neat. queen amidala’s ship, although no where near as important as the good ol’ millennium falcon was in a new hope, is really smooth lookin’. the attack droids were really cool, as were the naboo fighters, and everything in corouscant.

also, the light saber battles were simply flabbergasting. absolutely the best light saber battles of any movie. whoever did the choreography is a bloody genius. ray parks (darth maul) had some really breathtaking moves. it’s worth paying the admission fee just to see these battles.

well, back to the not so good. jar-jar was a little annoying, the explanation of the force as a result of symbiotic micro(nano?)organisms was a pointless and ultimately failed attempt to insert a science fiction element into what is essentially a fantasy story, and amidala’s decoy plan was predictable. and what the hell was up with darth maul?!?! he’s the most intriguing looking person in the trailers, his face has been hyped up more than the movie itself, he has a cool double-edged light saber, but he dies after having something like 3 lines?!?!? i’m pissed! i wanted him to be a recurring character, a smart, menacing character who was far scarier for who he was than what he was than for what he looked like. instead i got a hollow black and red shell that has about as much depth as dry land.

i suppose his not having an important role plays into the whole idea of the phantom menace, a mysterious, unknown danger. the fact that he barely showed up or said anything may have been an attempt to make the sith an shady background element. but if that were the case, why did darth sidious have such a big part? [warning: pompous asshole section (PAS) section] if i had written the script, i would have made the entire blockade/invasion of naboo seem like a plan hatched wholly by the trade federation, making them seem like the real bad guys, and only revealing darth sidious’ part in the affair at the very end. that way, darth maul, would have a been a complete mystery, a real phantom menace [end PAS section].

but here’s my main qualm. almost all the characters were flat, boring, and ultimately not meriting my sympathy or empathy. i mean, you can’t approach harrison ford’s cowboy charisma or luke’s idiot bupmkin persona, but qui gon, obi wan, and amidala had about as much inflection in their voices as ben stein. they weren’t developed, they had no personalities, and they didn’t make me care. in fact, the character with the most development is jar-jar, the kooky, clumsy, fun-loving exile. senator palpatine was pretty good too (maybe only because we know how evil he is), as were the members of the trade federation.

i’ve heard many say they thought jake lloyd was disappointing, and that he can’t act. personally, i thought he did a good job acting. what was wrong was the writing and directing. [more PAS] baby vader should have been less happy and optimistic. he’s destined to be one of the biggest proponents of the dark side ever, yet he’s constantly saying “yippee!”. the only foreshadowing we are given is yoda saying “i sense much fear in you”, and there’s no back-up for that statement except for his being afraid to leave his mother. i would have made him afraid to lose the pod race, or hopeless about ever being freed from slavery.

overall, it was only fractionally disappointing. it didn’t quite match up to a new hope but it was still good. there was a strong plot, it was visually fantastic, and, of course, there were light sabers. it was entertaining, exciting, even funny. don’t think i didn’t like it because i picked apart. it’s certainly ten times better than most of the other dull, run of the mill crap that you’ll find in the theaters. you should definitely go see this movie if you haven’t already, or, if you’re like me, even if you have seen it already.

images and names are all copyright 20th century fox and lucas film etc, and all were ruefully stolen from the trailers and tv commercials, available for download @ www.starwars.com.