M4W

I was seriously considering posting on the Craigslist m4w board some time ago, but after a span at the keys, all I could come up with were things like these.

ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE

I am a single white man looking for the perfect woman for fun and possible LTR. I am hot, but not intimidatingly so, normal but interesting, manly but sensitive, bad but in a good way, nice but not in a bad way, outrageously funny and spontaneous but not offensive or unreliable. My interests include hiking, driving, reading, clubbing, chilling in coffee shops, skydiving, long walks on the beach, and totally hetero dancing. I make an embarrassingly large amount of money but I drive a Prius and subsist on local organic produce that I farm myself. The only thing I like more than cooking this produce is cooking it for company. I am a former olympic athlete who hasn’t gone to seed, and I’m way above making carnal puns on the word “seed.” Unless, of course, you’re into that kind of thing, in which case I can assure you, I am a veritable silo. Of puns, that is.

Did I mention I am also black?

BUSH-HATER SEEKS BUSH-LOVER FOR CROSS-THE-AISLE SEXFEST

I am a liberal, proud of it, and I feel deeply about the many injustices this administration has inflicted upon our nation and the world. That said, I feel the only way to mend the wounds of our divided country is to build bridges, reach out, and learn from each other. So, if you believe gays should not marry, if you think abortion is always and forever wrong, if you watch Fox News, and if you stand by our President, hear me: we need to have sex. Like, right now, at the place of your choosing. Then, maybe, I can tell you about my favorite NPR newscasters, and you can tell me about your favorite rifle. You can show me how to find a deal at Sam’s Club and I can show you how to save the world AND lovingly stroke your ego simply by purchasing an organic, local, seasonal, $12 / pound peach, picked lovingly by unionized migrant laborers who get paid a living wage so they can feed their precious little children and have the time to express their beautiful, beautiful culture. Then, I think, we should have sex again.

PACIFIC SEA MONSTER IN SEARCH OF FRIEND, LTR

Just swam here from the Aleutians, looking for some company in this strange shallow Bay of yours. I enjoy vigorous exercise, travel, mackerel, and sinking ships on still foggy nights. I’m very large, but, you know, not in an unpleasant way. I hear some people are into that, anyway. And please, don’t bother writing if you’re offended by the word “monster.” Get off your high goddamn horse and meet the 21st century.

TIME TRAVELLER SEEKS STABLE 21ST CENTURY WOMAN PREPARED FOR DISAPPOINTMENT

I’m not saying *I’ll* be a disappointment. I mean, I might be, but that’s for you to decide. I’m just saying I’ve been to the future and it isn’t pretty, but frankly, neither is almost any other time in history, so I’m picking this one since it’s not far from the one I started out in, and I think I could use some company for what’s coming. Me: ok, I could tell you all about me but I have a goddamn time machine and I have travelled across all kinds of different periods and eventualities, so regardless of my personality I have little doubt our first couple dates will just concern *that* since they always do. You’ll get to know me along the way. You: preferably with enough winter insulation to last long periods without food, because, like I said, not so nice times around the bend. Proficiency butchering deer a plus, as are martial arts and a knack for fashioning and wielding weaponry from scrap metal. Ability to take a joke definitely required, because I am talking about the big, gigantic, soul-crushing, cosmic kind of jokes here.

Ok ok, this is sounding depressing, and possibly a bit cracked. But seriously. I have a time machine.